Now, when I was a very, very young girl, I was in love with William Shatner. Not the T.J. Hooker kind of Shatner, but the James Tiberius Kirk Shatner. I watched Star Trek (which by that point was airing on local television stations --remember those?-- in the afternoons, after school) every chance I could get, drooling over the delicious man-flesh that was Captain Kirk. Even as a six-year-old, I loved nice Jewish boys.
Now, I don't remember them doing a lot of wine-drinking on that original Star Trek. I do remember that there was a lot of disappearing, reappearing and shape-shifting that may have been the result of massive cannabis consumption in the writers' room, but no vino. So, why am I writing about this?
Well, you see, it's all about the hair.
Like any good Team USA cheerleader and oenephile, I went to see Bottle Shock last night. The movie celebrates the "Judgment of Paris" when the 1973 vintage of Jim and Bo Barrett's Chateau Montelena Chardonnay outscored all the French wines. (Stag's Leap Cabernet also won in the reds competition, but strangely, is not in the film.) It's the event that's credited with drop-kicking the California wine business onto the world stage. But none of that matters. Because Chris Pine plays Bo Barrett in the movie, and his wig is so god-awful that you can't pay attention to anything else.
Now, Chris Pine is also notably playing --wait for it-- James Tiberius Kirk in the upcoming new Star Trek prequel movie from geek hero JJ Abrams. He's taking on Shatner's role. And Shatner, starting with those aforementioned TJ Hooker years, has been wearing a rug for a very, very long time.
I tried to reach out to Bill to find out how he feels about this callow youth attempting to assume the mantle of Kirkness, but he's not talking. So, one can only assume that Bill is miffed. And that, given his intimacy with LA's wig-making community, he ensured that Pine got the worst headpiece possible for this film, so it would be all anyone would talk about during the run-up to the Star Trek release. (Pine has already gone on record saying that Bottle Shock would be his "last wig movie.")
If so, Bill, I salute you. I'd like to send you a bottle of 2006 Palmina Mattia, a delightful red blend from California's Central Coast region, which is also the wine we consumed over dinner at the lovely Anisette Brasserie after watching Chris Pine's wig for nearly two hours. Thanks for keeping American wine-making in the news, and for showing the young upstarts how it's done. Team Shatner, all the way.